soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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