i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
