quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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