i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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