Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
