Your dad touched me again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
