It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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