so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
