Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
