i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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