I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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