Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The uberlube is also flammable
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
