the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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