textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
organizing the empties. That sober.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Come on in and take your pants off
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