My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
how drunk are you?
Several
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
