I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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