If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
