Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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