Got a toothbrush?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Of course I have a pirate flag
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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