Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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