How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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