i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
