Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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