Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
