This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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