I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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