My hand turned me down
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
