is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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