I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
