someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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