Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
