he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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