I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
