He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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