you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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