When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
