I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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