I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
