I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
