i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Houston, we have a blender
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
