You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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