I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
