dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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