just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
