walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
