I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Even my vagina gasped.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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