I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
