Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
