just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
