I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
