Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
