I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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