just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
