wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
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I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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