If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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