I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
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Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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