just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
