I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
