the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
