Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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