i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
