life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
