Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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