yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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