I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
