I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
